


five people who love buck unconditionally and the one to whom love can’t describe everything buck is

by thisissirius



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29319516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: spoilers for 4x04.the title says it all :)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 619
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	five people who love buck unconditionally and the one to whom love can’t describe everything buck is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ashavahishta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashavahishta/gifts).



> asha helped me with this one Ngl. she got the entire fic in separate whatsapp messages while i navigated the tube and my internet kept dropping. wild times. i hope you enjoy. probably not my only fic about this episode because i have feelings.

**.protection**

“I wanted her to tell you.”

Buck’s tried being mad at Chim. He’s been mad at Maddie and his parents, Chim, Eddie. Everyone and everything, even when they didn’t deserve it. “I know.”

If Buck remembers anything from the past few days it’s this; Chim batting for him, a solid barrier doing his best to stand by his girlfriend and Buck all at once. 

Chim looks awkward, sits back on the couch. The last time they were here, they were making jokes. Family secrets. It’s not funny, but it makes Buck want to laugh anyway. If only they’d known. “Buck—“

“Can I ask you a question?” At Chim’s nod, Buck stares at his hands. “How did it feel when—Albert arrived and you knew your father loved him in ways he never could you?”

It’s an unfair question and Buck knows it. Chims expression shifts into discomfort and then something that Buck doesn’t wanna name. 

“I’m sorry. That’s not fair.”

“Hey, no,” Chim says, reaching over and taking Buck’s arm. “I’m not offended that you asked. I can’t imagine—okay maybe I can a bit. It’s not a great feeling. I felt unloved. So not so different.”

Buck smiles, but there’s no humour in it. “Yeah. It sucks.”

“Except,” Chim continues, catching Buck’s eye and holding it. “That I’m not unloved. And neither are you.”

  
  


**.buckaroo**

Hen keeps watching him.

It’s fair. Buck keeps scaring everyone; not that he means to. Maybe he’s just that fucked that things will keep happening to him. Buck hopes not. He’s not sure there’s much left of him to take.

“You can ask.”

Hen raises her eyebrows. “Ask what?”

Buck waves a hand. “Whatever it is you wanna ask.”

“Buckaroo,” Hen says, and that name hurts. He ducks his head, feels an invisible hand squeeze his heart. Hen touches his thigh, squeezes. “Is it the name?”

“My mom doesn’t like nicknames,” Buck says, looking away. “She’s never liked that I call myself Buck. Chim had to call himself Howard just because he didn’t wanna put them out!”

Hen nods. She doesn’t move her hand. “I heard. Do you like the nickname?”

Buck nods. “I wouldn’t tell people that’s my name otherwise. I just feel—if I let everyone call me Evan, maybe she’d look at me for once and—“

“Love you?” Hen asks, her voice quiet.

Throat tight, Buck doesn’t know how to answer. He nods, feels his eyes burn with tears.

Hen shifts, sits on the couch next to him. “You’re my Buckaroo.”

Buck cries then, feels like it’s bursting out of him and through it all, Hen holds him.

  
  


**.parental**

Going into Bobby’s office never means anything good, but Buck finds some measure of comfort in it this time as he knocks on the door. 

“Buck,” Bobby says with a smile. “I thought your first shift back wasn’t until—“

“It’s not,” Buck says, dropping into the chair opposite Bobby. “I wanted to talk to you. Well you and Athena but I didn’t wanna just turn up on your doorstep—“

Bobby raises an eyebrow. “That’s never bothered you before.”

“I haven’t doubted myself so much more,” Buck says before he can stop himself. At Bobby’s expression, he wipes a hand over his face. “Sorry that wasn’t meant to come out.”

“I’m glad it did.” Bobby pulls out his phone and Buck freezes, holds out a hand to stop him calling. The last thing Buck needs is to worry Eddie some more. 

“You can’t call—“

“I’m calling Athena,” Bobby explains, but he smiles, amused. “Should I call someone else?”

Buck flushes, stares out of the glass to where he knows Hen and Chim are somewhere. To where Eddie is. “No.”

“Hmm.” Thankfully Bobby doesn’t say anything else. Buck waits, not even sure what Bobby’s calling Athena for, when the phone rings.

“Hey Baby,” Athena says.

“I have company,” Bobby says quickly, and Buck’s glad because no. He doesn’t wanna think about that. 

“Oh?”

“Hey Athena,” Buck says, waving a hand even though she can’t see. 

A pause. “Buckaroo! Where have you been?”

“Uh,” Buck starts.

“Bobby and I haven’t disappeared and I know you know where I live.”

Buck finds himself smiling, dropping his head. “I do.”

“Then I expect you on Saturday, you hear me?”

“I can’t,” Buck says. Before she can object, he continues, “I’m having dinner with Eddie and Chris.”

Athena makes a noise that Bobby shares. Buck deliberately doesn’t think about it. “Friday then. No objections.”

Buck meets Bobby’s eyes and smiles. “I don’t have any. I’ll see you Friday.”

“You better.” Athena’s tone is softer when she adds, “we love you, Buck, you know that right?”

Bobby holds his eyes and Buck feels warmth blossom up through him. 

“I know.” 

And he does.

  
  


**.united**

Buck takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. It takes a while, but then Maddie’s pulling it open. She looks upset, tired, and Buck feels awful. “I’m sorry.”

Maddie’s face crumples and Buck pushes into the apartment, taking her into his arms even as he shuts the door. 

“I’m so sorry,” he says again, kissing the top of her head. “I said united front and left.”

Maddie shakes her head, pulling back. “You had every right.”

“Maybe,” Buck allows. “But I should have talked to you instead of ghosting you. I know how that feels after all.”

There’s a hint of a smile on Maddie’s face as they sit down. Neither of them knows quite what to say, but Buck reaches out, takes Maddie’s hand in his.

“You were nine,” he says slowly, squeezing her fingers. “What they asked you to do—you didn’t do anything wrong.” It’s taken a long time for him to be aware of that; a long time and people talking to him, letting him get everything out. Buck’s learning his support network is bigger than he thought. 

Maddie nods, pressing a hand to her mouth.

“You’ve always had my back. You left,” he says, but shakes his head when she tries to talk. “I don’t mean—you left because you had to and I won’t hold that against you. I wish you had come to me sooner but I know why you didn’t, why you were scared.”

Looking hopeful, Maddie says, “if I could have taken you with me.”

“I know.” Buck smiles, less sadness in him than he’s had since their parents showed up. “You’ve always done what’s best for me, Maddie. I believe that. I love you.”

Again, Maddie starts to cry. “I do love you,” she says, pushing forward. The hug is awkward but Buck hangs on, kisses Maddie’s head. “I love you so much.”

  
  


**.the gift**

The Diaz kitchen is a mess when Buck enters. “Is this the right house?”

“No!” Chris pokes his head around the door. “You’re early!”

Over Chris’ head, Eddie looks—Buck wants to laugh. He’s got flour on one cheek, mixture on the other, and his hair is slick with—is that milk? 

“Eddie,” Buck says around a laugh. Then, to Chris, he says, “what’s this for?”

Chris looks at his dad, then back to Buck. “You were sad the other day. I heard you crying but Dad was helping.” Buck’s chest seizes. Oh god. He never meant— “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I don’t know why your parents didn’t get you birthday cakes, Bucky! I asked Dad to help me make one.”

Buck’s speechless. He looks up at Eddie, who’s smiling softly at Chris—and at Buck? Buck nods, reaches out for Chris’ shoulder. “That makes me really happy.”

“Good,” Chris says. “Because Dad says you have to show people you love them when they can’t hear it. Or don’t want to.”

Buck feels burning behind his eyes. How many times is he gonna cry this week? “Thanks, Christopher.”

His voice breaks, but he doesn’t have time to hide because Chris hugs him tightly. “I love you, Buck.”

Buck squeezes his eyes shut, breathes in Chris and says, “I love you too.”

Later, when they’re full of dinner and cake, Buck’s got a Diaz boy either side. Eddie’s been asleep for about a half hour, tipping closer to Buck with every movie scene. Chris is still wide awake, tucked under Buck’s arm. 

“Did the cake make you happy?”

Buck smiles. “It did. Your dad can bake!”

“Abuela had to talk to him because he was going crazy!”

Buck can imagine it. Eddie flitting about the kitchen in a mood because he fails at anything oven related. “Well I’m glad she did.”

Chris laughs, hugs himself closer to Buck. “Were you sad because your parents are mean?”

Buck closes his eyes. To see the world through a child’s lens. “Yeah. They just—didn’t love me as much as your mom and dad loved you.”

Chris looks up at him and Buck hates that he’s gonna find out things that can hurt. Things like absence and disinterest. That he already has. “I can share Dad.”

“Chris,” Buck says, overcome., and kisses the top of his head. “You’re such a good kid, you know that?”

“Not always,” Chris complains, and Buck laughs. 

“Most of the time.”

Eddie’s raised a good kid. Kindness that Eddie’s got buried deep, and despite his own parental issues, manages to bring his kid up that way. When he turns, Eddie’s looking at him. Buck’s stomach swoops. Eddie leans in, hugs Buck awkwardly. “We’ll talk when he’s in bed.”

It should be terrifying; Buck’s never liked those words, but while Eddie’s expression is intense, there’s more love and affection staring him in the face than he knows what to do with.

  
  


**.mine**

Buck feels calm despite what he knows is coming. Chris begs for a story from both of them, then Buck needs to leave the room. He tells them he needs the toilet but really he’s overwhelmed. Calm, but overwhelmed. Can you be both?

“Hey,” Eddie says, hovering in the doorway. “How was dinner with Bobby and Athena?”

Buck thinks back to the meal, to Bobby and Athena being themselves while still showing Buck he’s not alone. It’s a tough thing they’ve all decided to do, convincing Buck he’s loved. It’ll take time, but he doesn’t doubt them. He trusts them. “It was a lot. But I’m glad I went.”

Eddie nods, crosses the room to sit next to him. “And you? Any urge to punch things?”

Buck laughs, tips his head back against the couch. “No. Your advice was taken with enthusiasm.”

“Good.” Eddie’s quiet. He sits back, stares at his hands. “And you? What’s going on in that head?”

“Too much,” Buck admits. He sighs. “I feel better? Everyone’s being great. I know I’m loved.”

“But?”

Buck huffs. “Sometimes I hate that you know me so well.”

“No you don’t,” Eddie says, certain of himself.

Buck shakes his head, smiling. “No, I guess I don’t.” He looks at Eddie’s who’s staring back at him, closer than he was. “My whole life they’ve lied to me. Had me for one reason and then—forgot about me when I wasn’t what they wanted.”

“I know.”

“I just wanted them to love me,” Buck says.

“I know.”

They’ve had this conversation before and Buck hates that he’s still going over it, but he can’t make the thoughts stop. “How do I stop thinking about it?”

Eddie sighs, shifts closer so their arms are touching. “I don’t think you can. Maybe you try,” he amends. “But it’s always there, ready to take hold when you don’t want it to.”

“So what do I do?” Buck doesn’t know why he’s so desperate for Eddie to tell him.

“You deal with it,” Eddie says. “But you also give yourself other things; surround yourself with people who care, who love you. Find things you enjoy. Just—realise you’re more than your parents’ child.”

Buck nods, even though it’s hard to imagine he can ever do that. Eddie touches his face, bringing Buck’s head up. 

“You’re so much more. The kindness you think I gave Chris? You have to know so much of it is from you as well. You have so much goodness in you, Buck, and I know it didn’t come from them. Which means it’s all you. Down to here.” Eddie presses a hand to his heart. 

“It doesn’t feel like it,” Buck says, voice tight. “Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. Or who I am.”

“You’re Buck. A friend. A brother. An uncle,” Buck smiles. “A father.”

Buck freezes. “What?”

Eddie looks serious. “You’re everything I could hope for in anyone I choose to love, Buck. For Chris, I mean.” There’s a touch of red to Eddie’s face and ears. “If they could give him everything you give him, I’d be lucky.”

Buck swallows, suddenly nervous, and presses into Eddie’s hand against his cheek. “I’m messed up.”

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes. “But you’ve always been this,” he says, tapping Buck’s chest. “And I love you anyway.”

Oh. Buck hardly dares breathe. “I love you too.”

“The forever kind,” Eddie admits quietly. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“Okay,” Buck says. “Because I’d really like not to be alone.”

“Never,” Eddie promises.

Buck wonders later why they didn’t kiss, but in the moment, as Eddie holds him, nose nestled in his curls, everything feels as it should.

Right, for the first time—ever.


End file.
